


Lemonade

by grenadille



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Romance, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 00:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11368701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grenadille/pseuds/grenadille
Summary: Chanyeol is whipped. Chanyeol worries too much. But Chanyeol knows his love for Jongin won't ever change.





	Lemonade

**Author's Note:**

> Message to prompter: Hello, dear prompter! I hope you enjoy this fic. Thanks a lot for the prompt, I enjoyed writing it!!!
> 
> Author's note: Many thanks to my beta R, who was always there to listen, to J for the helpful insight, and to T for the emotional support!
> 
> I would advise you to listen to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDjN1nuDx3E) to get in the mood!

“So…”

Chanyeol worried his lip between his teeth, feeling his heartbeat accelerate. He had no idea how people did this. It was nerve-racking. But, they did it all the time, so it couldn’t be too complicated, right?

After all, Jongin was his best friend. It shouldn’t be  _ that _ hard.

Chanyeol liked these nights, when he picked the younger up after dance practice because he was afraid of walking alone in the dark. It was something he’d never really understood. Sure, he did ballet, and that was not society's ideal of manliness, but Jongin was still pretty tall and definitely toned enough not to look like a pushover.

Chanyeol wasn't complaining, though. He got to walk his best friend home, and he really enjoyed seeing Jongin after dance practice.

The boy always looked like he was glowing in his post-dance practice glee, and he loved listening to any stories he had to tell; about how his teacher continuously praised him, about how he could now lift Soojung up without being in too much pain… He was proud of him.Chanyeol was a total klutz, so it always amazed him to see his best friend accomplish such complex and graceful moves without tripping. It was something he had in his blood, and Chanyeol couldn't wait to see him at his show. Apparently he'd managed to get an important role, but Jongin wouldn't tell him which one, because he was mischievous and enjoyed making his best friend suffer. Chanyeol was sure he'd be the star of the show, though. It made sense that Jongin was trying to surprise him, but he'd been lucky enough to watch the class a few times. Jongin outshined everyone and Chanyeol couldn’t see anyone else as the main character of the play. It was okay if he didn't have the main role, though, because he'd shine just as bright.

Jongin was like that: he captured light, and shot it back even brighter. 

He was beautiful and his smile was breathtaking. Chanyeol didn't know what it was about him that made him look that way, but he really did look like an angel fallen from the sky, and sometimes he had to look at the younger twice to make sure he was not dreaming.

"Yeah?" The younger asked, offering a smile. His eyes and teeth sparkled in the darkness of the night, and it took Chanyeol a moment to register that he'd started a sentence and didn't finish it, because he’d been staring. Again.

Nervousness came back to him full force and he let out an awkward chuckle as he tried coming up with a good way to ask this.

It wasn't easy. Sure, they were best friends, but that made everything just a little bit more complicated.

He was scared that he might ruin everything by asking this, but he also knew he couldn't take it anymore. Pretending that he was fine with what they currently had was not realistic, and Chanyeol was very aware of that. He wanted them to become more than this, more than friends.

Nervousness was a weird feeling. It filled his entire stomach, not with butterflies, because it would be too light, but not with stones either, because it was not  _ that  _ bad. Chanyeol eventually got out of his daze, realizing that there could be worse things happening, which prompted him to finally say what he’d been planning to since the moment he’d picked Jongin up at the dance studio.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?" He blurted out.

It was unceremonious, definitely not the smooth effect he’d hoped for, but it was done. The reality of the situation took a few moments to sink in, then his head started spinning with questions.

What if Jongin didn't like him back? He didn't know if he could deal with rejection. What if... What if he'd read the signs wrong, and he didn't, in fact, like men at all?

Jongin wasn't answering and it was mildly worrying considering his usual talkative nature.

Chanyeol braced himself and decided to look over and try to gauge the damage he’d done. Luckily, Jongin didn't look upset, just very confused.

"I-mean..." Chanyeol stuttered, embarrassed. He owed him some explanations. "I... I'm gay, actually? Sorry I never told you, it's… Kinda complicated, you know how it is here. But I really, really like you. I want to hold you close and sing every single love song I know, I want to be the reason you have this gorgeous smile on your face, I…”

“For real?” Jongin cut in, and there was something playful in his eyes.

“Yeah, for real. You don’t know how  _ hard _ I’ve been crushing on you. I’m not even sure you could call it a crush at this point and—Wait.” He was rambling and it was embarrassing. “You didn’t reply….”

Jongin burst into giggles, and Chanyeol thought it sounded really pretty, like beads of crystal clinking against one another. It made him feel warm inside, despite the fact that nervousness was still eating him up.

He never thought he’d have one of those awkward, cliché teenage confessions (he liked to believe he was better than that), but it was happening. Jongin was laughing, on top of this. However, his laugh was too soft and kind for it to mean anything negative. It was clear that he wasn't making fun of him, and that was at least a bit reassuring. Jongin wasn’t that kind of person, anyway.

"Yes," Jongin said, and his smile was so big it went from ear to ear, adorning his entire face.

"Okay great— wait, you really said yes?" Chanyeol was dumbfounded, but soon enough happiness started building up inside him at a dangerous speed, and he felt like he was about to burst.

"Yes, of course, I want to be your boyfriend," the other insisted with a nod.

Chanyeol covered his mouth with his hand and clutched at his heart. From an outsider it may have looked like terrible, over-exaggerated acting, but the only thought running through his mind at the moment was  _ I can't even _ .

"Are you serious?" He asked, after having calmed down a bit. He was smiling so hard his cheeks hurt, and he could possibly scare Jongin away with his excessive display of teeth.

Jongin seemed to want to keep the suspense to a maximum as he didn’t answer right away, but playfully jabbed a finger to Chanyeol’s chest and more giggles resonated in the air.

"I'm very serious, I really want to be your boyfriend."

Jongin's smaller hand grabbed his wrist, gentle yet firm, and Chanyeol stopped walking. There was a satisfied smile on the boy’s face, so he assumed that was what he wanted him to do.

Much to his surprise, Jongin got on the tip of his toes, and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his cheek. Chanyeol blushed up to his ears, feeling like he was floating in a little bubble of happiness, and he didn't want it to be popped.

They were close friends, but Jongin had never kissed him before; or at least, he’d never kissed him like this, so all the things he’d said had to be true. Jongin really did want to be his boyfriend. The whole thing had been incredibly easy, now that he thought about it, and he just hoped he’d be good enough.

In his opinion, Chanyeol was just a bunch of awkward limbs with a big mouth. He did have a big heart, too, but he’d always felt like his loudness overshadowed everything else. It was something that Jongin tolerated as his best friend, but would he be fine with it now? His best friend had always seemed perfect to him, in an almost unattainable way, so he truly wondered if he’d ever be good enough for him. But Chanyeol knew better than going into this relationship with a negative mindset, he just didn’t work that way.

He decided, for once, to shut his big mouth because he was afraid he'd say something dumb and now clearly was not the time. How sad would it be if the other realized he actually didn't want to hear him talk and talk about meaningless things all the time and decided to dump him before they even went on a first date? He'd be devastated, really. Chanyeol was a sensitive person and being rejected by the boy he'd been crushing on for almost two years wasn't something his heart would be able to handle. It might be big, but it wasn’t made of steel.  

The silence filling the air wasn't awkward. It was pretty comfortable, he'd say, and it definitely changed from the usual chitter-chatter they always had going whenever they were together.

Deep down inside, though, Chanyeol was still having a hard time believing this was all true, despite the kisses, despite the soft giggles. Jongin was too perfect in his eyes, still way out of his league.

He tentatively wrapped an arm around the boy's waist and pulled him just a tad closer. Jongin turned his head to look up at him, and he was met with a smile that was brighter than anything he'd ever seen.

So, this was all true, he thought.

Containing all of his feelings remained a task hard to achieve, but he forced himself to stay composed as he walked Jongin home. Then, he'd be able to spazz—on his own first, but then he'd probably end up texting Jongin because there wasn’t anyone else he could tell.

They quietly walked in the darkness of the night, side by side, and Chanyeol thought it was just right. They didn't need to fill the silence with noise to feel how happy they both were.

The walk to Jongin’s place had to end eventually, and he was sad that he had to take his arm away from his waist, but Jongin—his now boyfriend—turned around and pulled him into a tight hug. He smelled like sweat, but it didn't matter because he was soft and warm, and that was all he could ever ask for.

Chanyeol decided to be bold and kissed his cheek (not his lips, because he was still too scared to do that, for some reason). Jongin made a cute, happy sound, and he thought he would melt if it weren’t so cold.

Parting was tough, but he didn't want to risk anything. A neighbor could see them like this, and it could certainly be bad news for Jongin. So, Chanyeol let go with a smile on his face.

"Goodnight, Jongin," he murmured, affectionately ruffling the boy's hair.

"Goodnight, Hyung." Jongin beamed up at him before he opened the door to his house and slipped in. "See you tomorrow at school."

He disappeared after that, and Chanyeol screamed in his mouth in happiness.

 

***

 

A month had passed since Chanyeol asked Jongin out, yet he was still as happy as the first day. He'd already loved Jongin as his best friend, but as his boyfriend... It was exceeding his expectations. Confessing his feelings to his best friend had easily become the best decision of his life, and perhaps it was too early to speak, but he already felt like a changed man. Having someone to take care of was exactly what had been missing from his life, and it was even better that he could take care of the person he liked.

Seeing each other outside of their schedules had been a bit tough. They met at school all the time, but Jongin had made it clear that he wanted their relationship to stay a secret, which he completely understood. The boy still had to spend one more year in high school, he was one of the top students in his ballet class, and he could clearly do without rumors about him being gay. Getting caught mid-kiss in the bathroom certainly was something that could easily ruin his last high school years. Besides, they weren’t there yet.

It was a bit frustrating for Chanyeol, as he wanted to display how wonderful his boyfriend was (keeping his feelings to himself was always a challenge), but he didn’t want to jeopardize his last few months in high school either. He’d be out of here soon enough, he kept telling himself. Next year, he'd have his own apartment, which would make a world of a difference when it came to their relationship.

On top of all this, they'd both been quite busy with their lives. Jongin seemed to always be at dance practice, and Chanyeol couldn't blame him, especially since the show he was preparing seemed intense. Besides, band practice took up a lot of his time as well.

This was why they unfortunately never got to go on a first date.

They’d both noticed that the situation was getting a bit ridiculous: their relationship was starting to feel like it was long-distance, despite the fact that they lived in the same city. The only times they’d see each other outside of school were when Chanyeol walked Jongin home. This wasn’t an ideal setting for them to be together, as a couple.

Luckily, they’d managed to make time. Jongin had said he was too tired to go out and wanted some privacy, so they'd settled for a much-needed date at home. Chanyeol’s inner helpless romantic had been a bit disappointed, as he would have wished to have a traditional movie date. He wanted to be a gentleman and pay for everything.

His parents were at work, though, so he'd had time to prepare for his boyfriend’s arrival in order to have the best first date possible, figuring he could still be a gentleman at home.

Halfway into the movie, Chanyeol genuinely thought that he wouldn’t have it any other way. Cuddled up to him under a small pile of blankets, Jongin looked adorable. He kept stuffing his face with greasy popcorn and Chanyeol felt all warm and fluffy inside, especially since it had taken him a few attempts and a small burn on his wrist to make a successful batch.

Chanyeol felt like he should have expected it, but focusing on the movie turned out to be nearly impossible. Part of him was oh so ashamed, because yes, the only thing he could focus on was his boyfriend, and yes, it was terribly cliché, but he couldn’t help it. Jongin was gorgeous, and he wondered how it was possible for someone to keep his attention hostage only by eating popcorn, especially when he definitely wasn’t the most attentive person on earth. Whenever Jongin was around, he filled up his thoughts and made it impossible for him to concentrate on anything else.

He couldn’t help but think that the moon and the stars would be jealous if they had eyes, because it was clear, for him, that his boyfriend shined brighter than anything else.

He smelled nice, too, and Chanyeol had been fighting the urge to nuzzle him for almost an hour.

He couldn't explain why he felt like he always had to restrain himself when he was with his boyfriend. It had to be the fear of being inadequate, the fear that he wouldn't be good enough for Jongin because he seemed perfect to him.

But, Chanyeol also knew that Jongin was someone he wanted to be with for a very long time. He might have been naive, and perhaps this was all puppy love, but he could definitely see himself with the boy in a few years, and maybe more. Surely, he shouldn’t have to continue controlling his urges to cuddle Jongin when he was so obviously head-over-heels in love with him.

It took him a bit of thinking, but Chanyeol did end up burying his face in his boyfriend's neck. Instantly, he felt lame, thinking that he looked like a depraved cat, so he wrapped his arms around Jongin’s waist in an attempt to fix it. It was just as nice as he'd imagined and he allowed his eyes to flutter shut while basking in the warmth of the boy's skin. A quiet chuckle resonated in the room, and before he could even panic, Jongin was running his fingers through his hair, effectively calming him down.

"I was waiting for you to do something," he explained, shyly.

Chanyeol smiled. So, he’d wanted this, too? That was good to know, and it made him think that they both had to get better at voicing out their feelings, otherwise they would end up awkwardly sitting next to each other, waiting for things to happen, and that wasn't what he wanted.

Chanyeol ran his hands up and down Jongin's side a few times, and the boy squirmed a little.  _ How cute _ , he thought.

"Are you ticklish?" Chanyeol’s voice was low and somewhat muffled, his face still pressed into the other's neck. Jongin took a rather long time to answer, clearly hesitating. Chanyeol moved his hands again, only to receive a playful smack on his forearm.

"Yes," Jongin huffed, and there was a bit of uncertainty in his voice. "Yes I am, now stop—"

The laugh that escaped the boy's mouth when he dug his fingertips into his sides was beautiful. Chanyeol did it again and Jongin couldn't stop laughing. It was high pitched, a stark contrast with his smooth, velvety voice, but he loved it. It was clear and pure, like sunlight dancing on water. Chanyeol couldn't get enough of it.

They'd somehow ended up kicking the covers off, and Chanyeol was pinning his boyfriend to the bed, movie long forgotten. Jongin had tears in his eyes, which made them shine brighter than ever, like two diamonds. The sight warmed him up, from the bottom to the top.

Jongin’s smile was still as bright as it had been the night he'd asked him out, and he couldn't help but feel incredibly lucky that he had him all for himself. Chanyeol knew he couldn't do anything else than making Jongin feel like the most loved person on earth. That was the only thing he wanted to do for the boy. He didn't deserve any less than that, not when being with him completely made Chanyeol’s day. And perhaps he was foolish to think of Jongin so highly, perhaps he was completely whipped, but it truly was the only thing he wanted for his boyfriend. He wanted to make him feel like a prince because in his eyes, he was one.

It took Chanyeol a little while to figure out he wasn't tickling Jongin anymore but staring at him instead. That seemed to happen a lot, and part of him wondered if it needed to stop, but at the same time, he believed he'd feel pretty flattered if he were in the other's shoes. Sure, he had big eyes and a smile full of teeth, but he knew for sure that he looked at him with all the adoration in the world. Jongin was important to him and he wanted to voice it out, but wasn’t sure how to put his feelings down into words.

Then, Chanyeol’s eyes fell to the younger’s lips, and he thought that oh, maybe this would do.

He'd thought of kissing Jongin before, of course—he'd dreamed of it, even—but he'd always been too scared of doing it, despite the fact that they'd been dating for almost one month. Now that he thought about it, this must have been something Jongin had been waiting for. It made him upset because he was always worrying too much about things that usually turned out not to be a big deal. He decided that he should change this behavior.

But the second he noticed that Jongin was also looking at his lips, he suddenly felt so shy that he wanted to build a pillow fort around him to seclude himself away and wallow in his feelings of… He didn’t even know what he was feeling at this point. Chanyeol managed to catch himself in time, though, realizing that this wouldn’t get him anywhere. He wanted to kiss Jongin and Jongin wanted to kiss him, so there really shouldn’t be any problem.

However, he wanted to make sure he wasn't doing anything wrong. As far as he knew, Jongin hadn't dated anyone before, so he wouldn’t be surprised if it were to be his very first kiss. Chanyeol didn't want to mess that up for the younger, especially when he didn't know how much importance he attached to his first kiss. He didn't want to ruin it for him. That would earn him the title of Worst Boyfriend Ever, and clearly, it wasn't something he was shooting for.

"Uh..." Chanyeol murmured. It was awkward and his voice wavered slightly with uncertainty. Soon enough, however, a smile made its way to his lips. There was no reason to act like this, he realized. Chanyeol decided to be bold, and caressed his boyfriend’s face, delicately pushing his hair out of his eyes. Jongin had been keeping it a little longer than usual, and he thought it suited him well. It made him look ever so slightly feminine, underlining his beauty. "Do you... Do you think I can kiss you, my prince?"

Chanyeol immediately regretted the pet name. It was yet another failed attempt at being smooth. He’d stopped counting them, but at least they made Jongin laugh.

“That’s so cheesy!” His boyfriend exclaimed, his nose scrunching up as he giggled.

Chanyeol decided to play it off by out-cheesing himself.

“Can I kiss you, princess?”

Something on Jongin’s face changed. Chanyeol couldn’t quite pinpoint it. It seemed to be a mix of surprise and gratefulness. Either way, it was positive, and that was the only thing he desired.

“That’s even cheesier, but… I like it.” Jongin sounded genuinely happy, and he was glad to have found a pet name that made him feel this way. “And of course, you can kiss me.”

There was this ethereal smile on Jongin’s face, and Chanyeol really thought he would melt right then and there when he saw how eager he seemed.

Chanyeol gently cupped his boyfriend’s face before leaning in. He didn't kiss Jongin right away, but lingered there just a bit, taking his time to appreciate the moment. However, his heart was beating fast, and he was pretty sure he'd end up doing something stupid if he stalled for too long.

Chanyeol pressed his lips against his boyfriend’s, sliding his hand under his neck to support his head and hold him close. The sensation was familiar, but completely different from what he knew at the same time. It was different from that girl he’d kissed during a game of spin the bottle. It was… So much better.

His eyes fluttered shut and Chanyeol allowed himself to get lost in the kiss. He didn't have much experience, however it was easy to tell it was Jongin's first time kissing someone. His boyfriend seemed so unsure about what he was doing. It was endearing.

Chanyeol couldn't say he knew what he was doing either, but since he was on top, since he was the older of the two, he decided to try and guide the kiss. He moved his lips slowly against the other's, and carefully paid attention to his body language. Any sign of tension or discomfort and he'd stop. But, much to his delight, Jongin only relaxed in his hands. He even parted his lips slightly in invitation, and Chanyeol's head was spinning as he moved his tongue forward.

He'd always thought that those descriptions of kisses in books were too over the top. Fireworks and butterflies never made much sense to him because it was just lips on lips and  _ there was no way it was supposed to feel that good _ . However, he couldn’t be happier to discover that fireworks and butterflies were not just make-believe. They were right there, with him, and he felt like he was on top of the world.

The kiss slowly came to an end, and Chanyeol opened his eyes, a smile spreading across his face like wildfire. He gently stroked the back of his boyfriend’s neck before pressing a soft peck to his plump lips.

“How was it?” He asked. It probably wasn’t necessary, but he needed the reassurance that he was doing a good job.

Jongin’s eyes crinkled up.

“It was amazing.”

Chanyeol pulled his boyfriend into a tight hug.

He stayed like this for a little while. Jongin’s body felt nice in his arms. Perfect, even. It felt like it was meant to be there, and for once, Chanyeol felt confident about the whole boyfriend thing. He could be the one Jongin needed.

“Hey,” he murmured, poking the younger’s side to get his attention. His hand got swatted away immediately, and he broke into chuckles because right, Jongin was ticklish. “I just remembered there’s something I wanted to show you.”

Chanyeol pulled away from the hug, albeit reluctantly, and got out of his bed. Jongin looked mildly disappointed, like he wanted to keep cuddling. Perhaps he was the one who was a needy kitten, in the end. Either way, he decided to be quick so his boyfriend wouldn’t miss him too much.

Chanyeol went to the other side of his room and came back with a ukulele in his hands. It was a toy, something cheap he’d bought a while back for fun. The instrument looked ridiculously tiny in his arms, and it was definitely harder to play compared to a guitar because of the way his fingers fit on the fingerboard.

“Are you going to play a song for me?” Jongin’s eyes were bright and hopeful.

His boyfriend sounded so excited that it made his heartbeat accelerate. Chanyeol nodded as he plopped down on the bed and started tuning the ukulele as best as he could.

“There’s this song I’ve been wanting to sing for you for a long time.”

Maybe he was being mushy, but Chanyeol had wanted to do this for a long time. He'd been practicing for this day, in hopes that it would make Jongin’s heart flutter the same way his did whenever they were together.

He took a deep breath and looked deep into Jongin's eyes before he started strumming.

_ "He’s my sunshine in the rain, _

_ My Tylenol when I’m in pain, _

_ Let me tell you what he means to me,” _ he grinned up at the other, feeling so light that he could probably take off and fly at any moment.

Jongin's smile reached his eyes and more, and Chanyeol was over the moon.

_ "He’s so beautiful, _

_ Sometimes I stop to close my eyes. _

_ He’s exactly what I need." _

Chanyeol ended with an adlib for style, never missing a chance to impress his boyfriend. He always wanted to do more to prove he was worth being with. So far, Jongin had never shown any signs of disinterest, but he still worried. It was tough, being so whipped like this. And he was the only one to blame. He'd put himself in that situation.

"It was so beautiful," Jongin murmured in awe. Chanyeol laughed softly.

"Not as beautiful as you, princess," he replied, playfully pointing finger guns at his boyfriend.

Jongin let out a grunt at this, a mix of amusement and exasperation.

"I had no idea you were this mushy," he snorted, crawling into Chanyeol's lap after he put his ukulele away.

Chanyeol chuckled awkwardly because yeah, he had no idea he was this mushy either, but he liked it. He liked saying all these things, and he lived for the faint shade of pink tinting his boyfriend’s cheeks every time a cheesy compliment came out of his mouth.

"You like it, though," Chanyeol pressed a gentle kiss to the other’s temple. Jongin snuggled closer to him, and it took all of his strength not to coo at him because he looked like the cutest kitten on earth. But he eventually did because he couldn't help it.

"I don't like it.” There was a pause, a playful look in Jongin’s eyes. “I love it."

 

***

 

What Chanyeol had been the most scared of eventually happened the night of his graduation.

Jongin had come to support him. He'd stayed by his side as he chatted with his parents and teachers, talked about his future and all these things he didn't really want to think of when he had his boyfriend right next to him.

He'd then told his parents that he and Jongin were going to a party to celebrate and that they’d sleep over. In reality, it was a fabricated excuse to spend the night with Jongin, out of adult supervision. They'd both been saving up for the occasion and Chanyeol had booked the hotel room in advance so they wouldn't pay as much... It was bound to be a perfect night.

He remembered how ecstatic he'd felt when Jongin had pulled him into a kiss, jolts traveling all the way down to the tip of his toes.

They'd both been waiting for this, after months of dating, discreet lingering touches, and whispered confessions behind closed doors.

Chanyeol had been preparing for the big night. He'd done his research and even had a scenario all planned out in his head that he’d do his best to follow, in order not to make a fool of himself. However, it all flew out of his mind when they fell onto the bed. He figured that it was best to feel and enjoy the moment. In his eyes, nothing could go wrong when it was something they both desired.

What Chanyeol wasn't prepared for was how shy the other would be. He'd never thought this would be the case, as Jongin often wore leotards that didn't leave much to the imagination. To him, he had a great body, so him being self-conscious was not a possibility that had crossed his mind.

Such a thing should have been easy to brush off with a compliment, but unfortunately, it didn't stop there. As a true gentleman, Chanyeol had been eager to please his boyfriend, but he’d been… Denied access. Jongin had kept his hands in his hair, tugging him up every time he slid a little too low for his liking, which left him greatly puzzled since Jongin had stated that this was something he wanted.

During the entire time, his boyfriend had seemed absent, but he'd kept reassuring Chanyeol, telling him that everything was fine, that he was just a bit emotional. He'd believed him, mostly because he didn't know what to do in a situation like this.

Chanyeol had tried his absolute best, but in the end, Jongin didn't get to finish.

There was this weird, heavy feeling in his stomach, and Chanyeol didn’t like it. This was what he'd feared the most: not being good enough.

It probably wasn't his fault that Jongin hadn't been feeling it the moment clothes started coming off, but he still felt immensely guilty. He hated feeling inadequate, and he had no idea how he could make it up to Jongin.

The silence between them was thick and awkward despite the fact that they were comfortably cuddled up against one another. Chanyeol chewed on his lower lip, feeling his body tense up with nervousness. Jongin must have noticed it because his fingers quickly found their way into his hair, gently tugging at it in a comforting manner.

Chanyeol let out a quiet sigh and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s naked body before burying his face into the crook of his neck, where it was warm and cozy.

"I'm sorry," he murmured after contemplating his options. Staying quiet definitely wasn't one, as he didn't want them to go to bed and wake up the next morning, pretending none of this had happened. So, he'd settled for apologizing. That way, if he’d inadvertently been inconsiderate towards his boyfriend, he could sort it out (and he really did feel sorry for the whole thing).

Jongin's hand slipped down his neck and over his jaw, caressing his cheek affectionately.

"It's okay, I think I just got... Too distracted by my own thoughts."

He rolled over onto his back, slipping from Chanyeol’s hold. This made him panic a bit, as his first thought was that his boyfriend wanted to get away from him. But then the other grabbed his arm and wrapped it around his waist again. Okay, so he hadn’t messed up, and knowing this made him feel better already, but he felt like his job still wasn't done.

"What were you thinking about?"

He saw the furrow in Jongin's brow appear almost instantly and hugged him a bit tighter because he didn't want him to get sad. He couldn't bear to see a sad look on his boyfriend's face, especially when he had a smile that could light up the whole room. "You don't have to tell me if it's..."

Jongin squeezed his bicep reassuringly.

"Babe, it's fine," the boy whispered. "I'll... I'll tell you, I promise. But it's not very important."

Something that kept Jongin's mind off him while they were having their first time together had to be important, but obviously, he didn't want to talk about it yet. The only thing Chanyeol could do was nod and wait.

Sure, he could have asked again, and tried persuading him because deep down inside, he was sure he’d be able to help or at least offer emotional support, but he wanted to give his boyfriend space.

"Are you still okay with me touching you?"

Jongin was the one who'd put his arms around his waist, but he wanted to be completely sure everything was okay.

"Just keep your hands around my waist or around my neck, and we're good." Chanyeol hadn't been planning on doing more than that, but it was still good to know that some areas were off limits tonight. Jongin seemed relatively okay, but there was definitely something plaguing his mind. Unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do, other than try to keep his boyfriend’s mind off whatever was bothering him.

"You know I love you, right? My little princess."

Jongin smiled, but there was something sad about it. Even his favorite pet name seemed not to be enough to cheer him up. Chanyeol was at a loss.

It was hard to wrap his head around the fact that Jongin was self-conscious about his body when he almost looked like a Greek god. Compared to Chanyeol, with his exam stress induced weight gain, Jongin was flawless.

Chanyeol didn’t understand, but he knew better than trying to prove his boyfriend he had no reason to feel that way. Judging by his reaction, Jongin most definitely had reasons, and he was sure they were valid.

Chanyeol ran his hand up and down his boyfriend's waist, making sure not to apply too much pressure because, as much as he wanted to hear his boyfriend's beautiful laugh, he knew it wasn't the time to tickle him. The knots in his stomach were still there, and he was now starting to wonder if there was a possibility Jongin was disappointed by the circumstances of their first time.

What if Jongin regretted coming to this hotel and losing his virginity like this?

Now that he thought about it, their room wasn't great and the mattress wasn't very comfortable. It wasn't familiar like his or Jongin's room, and he would really have preferred for them to have their first time in a positive, comfortable space instead of this. Even if this was something they’d planned, something they’d wanted to do for a while, he couldn’t help but think that they’d had to go to great lengths in order to be intimate.

Jongin must have had similar thoughts.

However, they knew having sex at home wasn’t an option, and considering how much they'd wanted this, along with the occasion, Chanyeol liked to believe it was the only thing they could have done. He really wished it could have been different, though.

Chanyeol couldn’t wait to have his own apartment where he'd be able to invite Jongin whenever they felt like it. There wouldn’t be anyone to tell them what to do, and they’d be able to love each other freely.

"Jonginnie," he whispered in the other's ear, pulling him just a little bit closer. "I know you didn't get to fully enjoy yourself tonight but... Was it still good?"

He clenched and unclenched his fist, feeling uneasy as he waited for his boyfriend's answer.

"Of course, it was still good." And, as if to prove his point (and most likely to stop Chanyeol from protesting and asking more unnecessary questions), Jongin pressed a gentle peck to his lips. It was light, like a feather, and Chanyeol allowed himself to relax when his boyfriend pulled away. "I promise that I know you did your absolute best, and I'm very happy. I don't regret any of this—I know that's a question that's going through your mind. I know you very well."

It was Chanyeol's turn to kiss him to show his gratitude. Jongin always knew what to say to reassure him and it was easy to trust him. He couldn't be more thankful.

"So... Did you like it?" The question was shy and hesitant, and probably redundant, but he needed to know.

"Yes, I liked it," Jongin dragged out the last syllable, as if exasperated, yet it was obvious he was amused. "I would have liked it better if I didn’t have so many thoughts running through my head, but we couldn’t predict that this would happen, right? So stop feeling so gloomy and insecure. You have nothing to be insecure about. I don't know why you worry so much when really, I'm in love with you and I feel  _ so _ lucky to have you in my life, as my boyfriend."

Hearing this, Chanyeol blushed up to his ears. It felt amazing to hear that he was loved, that he was needed... It was all he ever wanted.

He rolled on top of Jongin and captured his lips in a tender kiss, feeling genuinely relieved that the situation wasn’t nearly as bad as he’d imagined. It would have been hard for him to hear that he was bad in bed and that he couldn't satisfy his boyfriend. And sure, he was disappointed because Jongin would have looked absolutely gorgeous in the throes of his pleasure, but he’d come to accept that Jongin had issues of his own, and there would be other opportunities in the future, though he really did wonder when it would be.

"You know..." Jongin murmured against his cheek. There was a playful smile on his face, Chanyeol could feel it. He was happy to know that his boyfriend seemed to feel more at ease after talking. He'd missed his smile and his cheerful voice. "I think we should do it again tomorrow."

"Really?" Chanyeol was surprised. He didn't think the opportunity would arise this soon—he was mentally prepared to have sex again in months—but he wasn't about to complain. If Jongin wanted something, he'd give it to him.

"Yes. I want to. It's a pity I didn't get to enjoy it the way I should have, and it's a pity you had to watch me like this. This was our first time and it wasn't great, it wasn't what I hoped for, but it's okay. We have up until noon to leave this room, right?"

Jongin sent a flirtatious wink his way. Chanyeol was smiling wide and bright.  _ This really is okay _ , he thought. It was all he needed to hear.

"I promise I'll make it good for you, Jongin. I'll be the best I can be, I want to make it up to you for tonight, even if it wasn't my fault." Chanyeol ruffled his boyfriend hair affectionately, chuckling fondly when the boy scrambled to brush it back into place. It was still messy, so he helped Jongin fix it, then pressed a tender kiss to his forehead when he was done.

Chanyeol liked to think that it conveyed all the things he kept to himself, all these feelings he was too afraid to share, for no good reason, really. Jongin had just told him that he had nothing to be insecure about, and that he felt the exact same way toward him.

"Also, I think we should try to get better at this communication thing. I mean, it's mostly my fault—"

"Don't say that," his boyfriend cut him off, pressing a finger to his lips to stop him from talking, again. It was needed, though, otherwise Chanyeol would probably go off in a long tirade about how he wanted to be the Absolute Best Boyfriend, and Jongin already knew all this. He still wanted to tell him, but sometimes silence was better than words, and it was a lesson he needed to learn.

"We  _ both _ need to get better at this communication thing. I feel like... There are so many things you want to say yet you keep them to yourself. I mean, I can't say it's not the case for me, so I won't prod because you might not feel very comfortable around me—which is something that I don't understand, by the way—but know that I won't judge you? And if it's cheesy, I'll just giggle and blush."

Chanyeol couldn't help but coo at his boyfriend, feeling truly touched by all the things he'd said.

"Alright, I'll try to be more open with you. I just... Like you a lot and I guess I get intimidated by my own feelings. Like wow, I love you. You make my heart beat like crazy and I just want to have you by my side and..."

As if on cue, Jongin started giggling and it wasn’t long before his cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink. Chanyeol thought that it complemented his carnation very nicely.

"So... Are you sure you want to try again tomorrow?" He asked softly, looking deep into Jongin's big brown eyes. He could look at them for days. "Because I don't mind. Like, not at all."

Jongin's giggles grew louder and more carefree. This was what he'd been dying to hear all night long.

"Of course you'd want to do it again," his boyfriend teased. Chanyeol chuckled sheepishly, feeling exposed. "Not that I was expecting you to feel otherwise. In fact, I might have been offended if you didn't want to try again."

Chanyeol laughed wholeheartedly and squeezed his boyfriend close. Jongin’s skin felt warm and soft against his own, and he loved those moments where it felt like his boyfriend belonged right next to him.

"Round two tomorrow, then. Now, let's go to bed. A man needs his sleep in order to deliver a good performance. I won’t treat you like a princess, but like a queen. I’d like to kneel before my queen, too, but only if she accepts it. It’s up to her."

Jongin whined, visibly getting the innuendo right away, but Chanyeol could see the satisfied, grateful look on his face. It reminded him of the first time he’d called Jongin princess. His boyfriend decidedly liked being treated like royalty.

"We’ll see.”

Chanyeol grinned in triumph because it wasn’t a no. He could work with that.

Jongin curled up to him, making himself comfortable. It was adorable how he slept balled up around him.

Chanyeol hoped his boyfriend would allow him to spoil him the next day.

 

***

 

Chanyeol was nervous.

Sure, he had a tendency to overthink and overreact; however this time, he believed he had a valid reason to feel that way.

Jongin had stopped calling him Hyung altogether after the break. Chanyeol had been delighted because to him, it meant that they’d reached a whole new level of closeness. Well, this was what it should have meant, but Jongin had been rather distant with him these days. He wasn't his usual bright self, and it was worrying.

Chanyeol couldn’t read his boyfriend anymore. He couldn’t tell what was going through his mind. Not that Jongin was particularly easy to read, but he was his boyfriend, and it should have been easy for Chanyeol to understand how he was feeling.

He’d thought that maybe it was because he hadn’t been able to pay as much attention to him as he was still adjusting to the university workload, but the issue seemed to have a much deeper root. Jongin was understanding anyway, so it had to be something else.

Chanyeol wondered if his boyfriend had fallen out of love with him, and the thought made him shudder uncomfortably. If it was the case, he didn’t know what he’d do.

He’d put so much effort into this relationship and seeing it going down the drain would be incredibly painful.

Chanyeol was afraid of losing Jongin. He could easily say that the past months he'd spent with his boyfriend had been the best of his life, and while he knew that all good things had to come to an end eventually, he wasn't ready. He didn't want it to end.

Jongin preferred at-home movie dates compared to actual movie dates, and probably even more so now that Chanyeol had his own apartment. Chanyeol was just happy that his boyfriend wanted to spend the night over with him.

On the outside, nothing was very different from the usual: they were cuddled up to each other on his bed, blankets thrown over their bodies, and Chanyeol didn’t know what the movie was about. However, it wasn’t because he was mesmerized by his boyfriend’s beauty, this time. He couldn’t watch because the thoughts flooding his mind made it impossible for him to keep his focus on the screen of his laptop.

Jongin wasn't watching, either. He was tense in Chanyeol’s arms, so tense that he was practically shaking. Chanyeol wondered if Jongin wasn't, in fact, more nervous than him.

He gently wrapped his long fingers around the younger's wrists, in an attempt to calm him down. It worked, but was short lived, and that was when he took the decision to stop the movie that neither of them was watching. Jongin pulled his hand back once silence filled the room, visibly uncomfortable. Chanyeol frowned, but let him have his own space.

"Jongin," he murmured, loosening his embrace around his boyfriend. As much as he wanted to comfort him, he didn’t want to aggravate the situation by being overly touchy-feely. "What is going on? You've been acting a bit different lately..." Chanyeol did his best to sound kind and approachable, despite how panicked he felt inside.

Jongin took a while to reply, and from the corner of his eye, Chanyeol could see how hesitant he was, fiddling with his trembling fingers, leaning forward ever so slightly as if he were about to speak, only to lean back when he couldn't, seemingly frustrated.

"It's complicated," he finally muttered, and Chanyeol's heart sank.

This was it. Jongin was breaking up with him. Chanyeol had seen too many movies to be fooled. It always started like this.

_ It’s complicated _ . A sigh, a look to the side.  _ It’s not you, it’s me _ . He thought he would cry if Jongin broke up with him in such a cliché way.

"But I was planning on telling you today, so thanks for bringing it up." He heard Jongin sigh before escaping from his embrace, and Chanyeol's first reaction was to reach out because it felt lonely and cold.

"Are you leaving me?" The words left his mouth faster than he could think them.

"No," the other eventually replied, but there was sadness in his voice. "But you might want to break up with me..."

Now, he had to think. Was this a variation of  _ it’s not you, it’s me _ ? Did Jongin want him to break up instead?

Before he could ask what was going on, Jongin had walked out the door, his overnight bag slung over his shoulder. Chanyeol was too dumbfounded to follow him.

The thought of Jongin running away briefly crossed his mind, but he quickly shook himself out of it because no, his boyfriend wasn’t like that. He probably wanted to be alone for a little while, that was it. Now, he had no idea what would happen when he’d come back, but chasing after Jongin wouldn’t do any good at this point. The only thing he could do was patiently wait for answers, but when he heard the door of his bathroom click closed, he was at a complete loss. Chanyeol let out a long sigh, cradling his face in his hands.

He just hoped Jongin was okay. His boyfriend had looked so sad, and he absolutely hated to see him like this. Now that he thought about it, he'd really been acting different.

The beginning of their relationship had been all sunshine and rainbows before something visibly happened to Jongin because he wasn’t smiling as much as he used to. Chanyeol wondered if he should have insisted when Jongin told him it was okay. Maybe the issues could have been fixed then, but ultimately his boyfriend made his own choices, and there wasn’t much he could do.

The door of his bathroom clicked again, and he heard soft, barely there steps coming his way. They stopped before Jongin made it into his room, and he craned his neck to try and see what was going on. His boyfriend was hiding behind the door, it seemed, and he would have found it cute if they weren't in the midst of a serious conversation.

"I-I..." Jongin began, his voice not coming out as clear as the door was stopping the sound from freely traveling to Chanyeol's ears. "It's been tough, coming to terms with this. I hope you understand, and I won't be mad if you're not attracted to me anymore."

Chanyeol wanted to ask what was going on, but his boyfriend came out of his hiding spot before he could open his mouth.

Jongin had changed into new clothes: a pair of black skinny jeans paired with a striped crop top. His hair, still somewhat long, was parted to the side and gingerly tucked behind his ear. His lips were painted a deep shade of red.

Chanyeol’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion, and he just stared, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

"Chanyeol," his boyfriend spoke up after a few moments of silence. His voice was shaky, and there were tears clinging to his eyelashes. "I don't... I don't want to hide this from you anymore." He then broke into sobs, hunching over a little with emotions. Chanyeol snapped out of his daze and rushed over to hug him, as seeing Jongin like this broke his heart. "I'm so sorry... I didn't know when we started dating. Well, maybe I knew, but... I didn't know I knew, if that makes sense?”

Chanyeol was speechless. It was obvious something had been plaguing Jongin's mind for a while, but he'd never considered  _ this _ an option.

"Oppa, this is who I am. I don't want to be a boy anymore, I don't want to be called a he. I just... It's been so tough, coming to terms with this. I hope you will understand, and it’s okay if you want us to break up. You’re attracted to men, and… I’m not a man."

Chanyeol was the first one to take a step back. He needed a moment, as this was a  _ lot _ of information at once.

Jongin wasn’t a boy. Jongin was a girl. Chanyeol was gay, meaning that he liked boys. Therefore, he logically shouldn’t be attracted to Jongin anymore.

He sat down on the bed and rubbed at his forehead. This was giving him a headache.

Did it really matter that Jongin was a girl?

“I’m sorry if you thought I was lying to you, or something. I just… I couldn’t say it, it was too—“

Chanyeol stood up to press a finger to Jongin’s lips. He would have laughed at the role reversal if he weren’t so pensive.

“First of all, you don’t need to apologize. I can’t say I know how you felt, but I only came out to you to ask you out, so I’m definitely not offended.” Coming out of the closet was hard, and he was proud of Jongin for doing it tonight.

“Then…” Chanyeol gently cupped Jongin’s chin and looked into his—her eyes. “Thank you for telling me. The whole time we've been dating... I was always worried I was not good enough for you. Now I realize that I probably worried about the wrong things. I wish I could have helped you, Jongin. It makes me so sad that you had to deal with this all on your own. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to come to the conclusion that… You were in fact born in the wrong body and—Gosh, c’mere.”

Chanyeol pouted as he pulled the other into a tight hug. "I knew something was weighing you down, but I never imagined it would be this."

He felt stupid for worrying about himself, about not being good enough, when Jongin had been struggling on her own, probably thinking that she wasn't good enough for anyone, not even herself.

Chanyeol caressed the other's face and thumbed her tears away.

Now he could see it.

Now he knew why Jongin liked it so much when he called her  _ pretty _ instead of  _ handsome _ . Now he knew why  _ princess _ was her favorite pet name.

Now he knew why she always felt a bit uncomfortable when she took her clothes off.

It all made sense now, and he felt dumb for not realizing earlier that his boyfriend was in fact a girl.

“Jongin,” he said in a soft voice, trying to get the other’s attention. He smiled down at her when she looked up.

_ "She’s my sunshine in the rain, _

_ My Tylenol when I’m in pain, _

_ Let me tell you what she means to me,”  _ The song came out of his mouth naturally. It felt right, like he had to sing it again, almost to prove a point.

He held Jongin’s hands firmly in his own, and as he looked into her eyes, he saw that nothing had changed. Jongin was still the same person, the person he fell in love with.

_ “Like a tall glass of lemonade _

_ When it’s burning hot on summer days, _

_ She’s exactly what I need. _

_ She is soothing like _

_ The ocean rushing— _ No, don’t cry!”

Jongin had broken down into sobs again, though he suspected it was for a different reason.

“You changed the pronouns,” she remarked.

“Actually, these were the right pronouns all along.”

Jongin made an ugly crying face (and by ugly, Chanyeol meant incredibly endearing), and whimpered into his shoulder.

"Princess, you’re going to get lipstick on my shirt." He commented playfully, trying to lighten the mood. Jongin needed a moment to vent out her feelings, and that was fine. Chanyeol let her cry while stroking her hair, making sure it still fell the way she wanted it to.

“Do you still love me?” She whispered after her sobs had died down. Chanyeol almost laughed.

“Jongin,” he said, serious but kind. "I fell in love with you. I fell in love with your personality. I fell in love with your smile, your eyes, and the way you giggle when you're happy. Those things are here to stay.”

Chanyeol took a step back to look at the other.

Would it bother him if Jongin dressed like this all the time? Would it bother him if Jongin's body changed, and instead of being sharp and angular, it would be soft and curvy?

Those things were easy to imagine, and they felt right.

When he looked back at Jongin, when he looked at her properly, he saw a beautiful woman, a woman he was still  _ so _ in love with.

And it was right then and there that he realized how lucky he was, to have found someone whose beauty transcended gender and to have fallen in such a deep and pure love.

He was not in love with Jongin the boy, nor Jongin the girl. He was in love with Jongin, with who she was as a person.

And now that he'd realized that, he felt invincible.

"Jongin," he said with a smile, pulling her into his arms once more. "Nothing has changed, I still love you." Chanyeol kissed her then, and really, nothing had changed. Her lips were still soft, her hands still delicate, and she still smelled wonderful.

When Chanyeol cupped his girlfriend's cheeks. She was still crying, but he knew everything would be alright.

Jongin was still the same person, and his feelings towards her wouldn’t change.

Chanyeol made love to Jongin that night, showering every single inch of her body with love.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come and say hello on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/_grenadille)!


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